Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
I used to play the piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I'll go on ahead.
What do you call a group of cows playing instruments? A moo-sical band.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they'd be a chicken sedan.
I'm afraid of the calendar. Its days are numbered.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crummy.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
I used to be a baker but couldn't make enough dough.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
I told my wife she was overreacting. She just rolled her eyes at me. I love that woman.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a shark? Frostbite.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring my camera.
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they'd crack each other up.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
